The Icy Hot Story

--by Big Daddy

I might as well start off this blog with an embarrassing story about myself.

To preface, I am a semi-regular recreational basketball player. Not a professional by any means. Not even good. But I play. In addition, I am what my mother would call "big boned", however I'm not sure that my bones are bigger, just that they have more fat on them. Anyway, the story...

After a particularly grueling evening playing in a recreational basketball league basketball game (I can't remember if we won or lost, it's a moot point anyway), I came home and was in my usual physical state: in a lot of pain and with sore muscles. My thigh muscles were particularly sore.

After showering, I did what most people who have sore muscles do: put on a topical muscle relaxing ointment. My particular ointment was Icy Hot, advertised to "start out icy to dull the pain, then hot to melt it away" or something like that.

You can probably see where this is going.

So I put on a thick coating of Icy Hot on both of my thighs, and it started feeling icy. Aaaah, I may be able to walk around at work tomorrow. Then I made a huge mistake: I put my underwear on.

Another side note: I wear boxer briefs. For those that may not know, boxer briefs are knee length and made of cotton, so they are tight on your skin. They are comfortable for me, wedgie-free and they keep everything in place, if you know what I mean.

I'm almost sure now that you can see where this is going.

As I slid on my underwear, I was inadvertently picking up the Icy Hot on my thighs and re-applying it on, um, my genital area.

At first, it was icy, to dull the pain. Then about 1 minute later came the hot.

Not snuggly warm, undies-fresh-out-of-the-dryer hot. Not even really-hot-bath hot.

More like pour-red-sulphur-spewing-lava-on-my-balls hot. Like sit-naked-on-an-acetelyne-torch hot.

Icy Hot should have a new slogan for idiots like me: "Icy to dull the pain, then Hot to turn you into a Eunich."

Fast forward to 1/8 second later. I am now doubled over on my bed in the fetal position, mainly because this is the default position for males when there genitals are in pain. The problem is that I am just smearing the Icy Hot all over and making it worse.

Now, imagine a 350+ pound guy writhing around on his bed screaming "My balls are on fire! My balls are on fire!"

Now imagine my wife being in the room looking at this. It's embarrassing enough when you do stupid things by yourself, it's even worse when you have a witness. Especially when she has no idea what's going on. Apparently she walked in just as I was putting my underwear on, so she had no idea I was trying to accidentally castrate myself.

"What is the matter with you?" she asks.

I calmly reply, "MY BALLS ARE ON FIRE!!! I PUT ICY HOT ON MY LEGS, THEN PUT ON MY UNDERW-- AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHH! PUT IT OUT!!! PUT IT OUT!!!"

"Put what out?"

"PUT OUT THE FIRE!! I'M ON FIRE!!!"

So what does my wonderful, beautiful wife do to help her hapless, crippled husband?

She laughs hysterically.

Knowing that she is no help to me now, I begin crawling to the bathroom to wash this devil creme off of what's left of my groin. Crawling, however, is not a good idea because the act of crawling is essentially massaging in the Icy Hot deeper into my gonads. I don't need this stuff massaging deeper, but I am now unable to walk upright (possibly permanently) and so I just crawl as fast as a 350 pound guy can crawl with his crotch in flames.

Finally, seemingly hours later, I get to the tub and begin washing myself off. However, because Icy Hot is oil-based, it does not simply wash off. Now I have to get a washcloth and soap and whatever other de-greasers I own to get this stuff off of me. Try putting a washcloth full of soap on your just-recently-on-fire scrotum, and welcome to a new level of pain.

I finally get rinsed off, with my wife standing in the bathroom doorway (still laughing) observing her husband's accidental vasectomy.

So, the moral of the story: put your undies on before you put on Icy Hot, or you WILL regret it, gentlemen.